Getting On My Feet One Shoe At A Time

Thank You!

2011-11-06T03:23:00.001-08:00

I'd like to list some of the things I'm grateful for just to keep my perspective on what is really important in my life.

- For my family.We may not think or act alike; we may differ in our principles and opinions ; we may be geographically apart but we relate to each other, we understand, we love and we respect one another.

- For my parents. I'm thankful to be the daughter of two imperfect and unique people. They gave me everything that they possibly could and even some things they possibly couldn't. They supported and loved me in many ways they could.

- For technology. Technology connects people.

- For my real friends and fake ones too. It’s not always that you meet friends who’ve been there for you not just for the highs but also for the lows. And for the fake and peek-a-boo friends, thank you for all the lessons and making me appreciate the real ones even more.

- For fulfilling my dreams... to learn how to ride a bike. It is somehow one in the many dreams I wrote in my bucket list.

- For my funky Lazer helmet which keeps me safe when I go for a ride with the bike I borrowed. tehee!

- For the opportunity to travel. Thank you Ma for the support in my travels even though it always worries you my safety every time I travel; even though we get little fights on the expenses, and yet you still allow me to.

- For my healthy eyes. Despite how abusive I can be with my eyes, I can still clearly see without any aid. Thank you God!

- For the opportunity to live in a relatively peaceful province, Bohol, where there is less crimes and robbers, thieves, snatchers scavenging around.

- For my weirdness, for this indicates a creative force.

- For my awesomeness. I'm not at all perfect ,but I know in my heart that I'm a nice and a kind person. As much as I could, I don't want to hurt anyone or be mean to anyone. I love to make people happy and see them happy. Love! Love! Love! Thanks to my family for nurturing an awesome me and for all the guidance despite of being stubborn and a brat that I have been in my childhood.

- Thank You Lord for keeping me in good hands no matter I tend to slip away sometimes.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-11-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

A guilty pleasure is something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. (source: Wikipedia). I too have a fair share of guilty pleasures.

1. Playing Sudoku justifies the time I wasted. With all the time consumed in solving puzzles, I could have done more productive things. Yet, it doesn't make me feel I've wasted any of my time.

2. Watching the Jamie Oliver, Everyday Giada, Anthony Bourdain Shows or the Food Network are fattening for me. I don't like to watch it because these shows make me hungry every time I watch it and yet, I still do every time they're on.

3. French Fries is obviously one sinful food.

4. Cyber stalking - the thrill of finding things, connecting with friends from across the miles and keeping up with the family away from home. It's not much of a bad thing but sometimes it consumes all my time when I could rather paint, plant in the garden, bake or blog.

5. Chocolates and desserts --These are the things that need no further explanations.

6. Getting a tan every summer. It is not common for a Filipina to love getting a tan, and it is somehow unhealthy but for me, it makes me feel great and sexy.

7. Popping bubble wrap. For the past few months, I am giving an extra effort for the preservation of the environment. I am for the earth-friendly movement. This earth has always been good to me and I want to give back to the environment by stopping it from destruction in my own little ways. I have been practicing a lot of ways on how to reduce the use of plastic but, oh my! popping bubble wrap is just so irresistible. Those satisfying pops just gives me a stress relief magic and a fun surprise.

8. Daydreaming. Daydreaming can be two things, it keeps you motivated and gives you room to be creative or it will remain as a lazy, non-productive pastime. In my case, it is a combination of both.

9. Cleaning my ears with cotton swabs even if it's already clean. Frequent cleaning of ears can cause problems, worse it can cause deafness. But I can't help it, it just gives me that certain kind of high when I clean my ears. Eargasmic!

Now, it's your turn, what are your guilty pleasures?

iWANT

2011-11-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

Once you get a wish list, there's no point of getting conservative about it. Well, this is how liberal I could get.

1. iWANT a Leica digital camera. Leica 18151 D-Lux 5 Digital camera - with a DSLR technology compacted to this little thing, who wouldn't want this. ...and it's Leica! Everybody wants a Leica. You can attend parties and events with your mini black dress and red stilletos without looking like a paid photographer with the big DSLR camera.

For now, I can't afford it but I can settle with a Canon Powershot SX230HS. It is a user-friendly compact camera with awesome features. You don't need to have a DSLR to be a good photographer, and having one doesn't make you either.

2. iWANT to try film camera. I think a Diana Deluxe Camera Kit will be interesting and challenging. For me, this would be an amazing way to get into film photography.

...and iWant it more when it comes with this Epson V300 Photo Color Scanner, with excellent quality at a less expensive price.

3. iWANT a HDMI Video Theater Projector

... so i could achieve this.

4. You really don't have to be young to find a friend in a teddy bear. iWANT this humongous bear.

... and it has to come with a big, warm hug from the pretty young lady (Yna).

5. iWANT this funky car. I'm not sure if I can fit in this or this car could carry me but who cares, this is my wish list.

... and of course, it has to come with a big, warm hug from the handsome boy too.

I could go on and on but this is how far I can get for now.

A letter worth sharing

2011-10-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Claire,

"What" and "if " are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: what if? what if? what if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feel like -- love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

All my love,
Juliet

Mamang

2010-02-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

She is not vertically advantaged but she stands tall

She is wise , strong and a fighter.

She is a protector, she always makes sure you're okay and in good hands.

She keeps things in place .

She makes sure that things will go as planned.

She doesn't have the softest voice but she is the sweetest.

She left me when i was little for some reasons....reasons i now understand. The older i get, the more i understand and appreciate how lucky i am to have her.

She isn't just any ordinary woman, she is extraordinary.

She is unique and there is no one else like her.

She is different from any other mothers....

SHE IS WONDERFULLY DIFFERENT.

and I LOVE HER A LATTE.

***************

MY HANDS ARE EMPTY

2010-01-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

i have more , but my hands are empty
i have everyone , yet i feel lonely
what is it that im missing
what is this im waiting

excited for what the future holds
yet scared whats behind that door
will you take me, will you keep me
or leave me just like everyone else did

i want to walk ahead
but my foot stuck instead
i want to go where my thoughts lead to
but my feet want to stay

take me away
anywhere you'd want to be
take my hands
then it will no longer be empty.

BEATING THE RED LIGHT

2010-01-21T01:14:00.000-08:00

you made me smile
you showed me the world in different eyes
we talked and laughed all night
till the sun is in sight

i knew it wasn't right
and you knew i would get hurt
we are like one coin
its sad when we are in both sides of it

it had to stop
it had to end
before it gets in too deep
and might find it hard to claw back up

you came back
and you had me at hello
and i went beating on the red light again
on and on i went
please don't make it stop

but in the road ahead
i know there will be another red light
i will beat another red light for you
if you'll ask me to.

A SPUR OF THE MOMENT

2010-01-20T21:06:00.000-08:00

'Twas a beautiful night
for he held my hand so tight
he stroked my hair
like he really care
he rubbed my back
and made me feel that everything is alright.
it looked unreal yet i had no doubt it was so true.
is he here for real?
or was he just the muse i once knew?
was it just a spur of the moment?
i knew it wasn't right yet it didn't feel so wrong at all.
and for a moment ,
i didn't want to think and rather let the time pass by.
i didn't want to end it but rather savor every minute ...
...every second of it for I know that my reality is near.
one way or another,
it was still a beautiful night
...a really special one.
i know it won't last a lifetime for it was just a spur of the moment.
i promised not to take things seriously
but in the end, I broke it.
well, he need not worry, for i will let him go.
i can never keep him.
i can not have him.
i will try not to miss him
because I know for sure that he won't miss me that much
but i can not promise not to think of him as much,
cause he's too special not to think about.
no expectations.
not anymore.
'cause the anticipation of his voice and his messages might break me
if those possibilities might not come

...cause i know, I was just a spur of the moment.

maybe

2009-12-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

To my imaginary friend, my friend from beyond,

Now that i've let you go , i hope you'll find a new friend to cheer up with.
And if it happens that you're coming back, i'm never going to give you up again.... OR MAYBE, BETTER YET, don't come back when you'll be leaving me soon after , anyway.

lots of decaffeinated love,
your friend from beyond

I LOVE YOU A LATTE TOO

2009-11-26T12:26:00.000-08:00

My favorite nephew, Jason, (he is in fact my only nephew), first coined these words, " i love you a latte". From then on, we use it everyday. It's our other way of saying " i love you". Never a day goes by would i miss telling this to my family, especially to my Ditse, my twin sister who happens to be six years older than me. :)

Then just a few afternoons ago my niece,Yna , made this song together with her best friend, Sammy.

I LOVE YOU A LATTE

(Original)

Sang by: Yna Divinagracia

Written by: Yna Divinagracia and Sammy Solis

Music by: Yna Divinagracia

In December when we first met
Do you remember cause I can't forget
I bought a latte but I didn't see
You working at the counter when you first
looked at me

Chorus:
So if I ever see a frothy drink
Just look at what have we created
A love that's just so caffeinated
Thoughts of you is all I ever think
I need to say this heart to heart
This is a way to say
I love you a latte.

Suddenly I'm shielded from cold
and nothing else matters in this world
I tried to pay when you touched my hand
I felt something inside that I didn't understand
You smiled and my heart took a flight
I blushed and said hello it was love
at first sight.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES

2009-10-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Tatum,

Let go of the habit that should not be, but never regret you went through it for without it, you'll never learn , you'll never figure out what to do and you'll never know.

Love lots,

Me

31 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

2009-09-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

me @ 1 year and a half

1. Sky dive

2. Learn how to ride a bike, a motorcycle and learn how to swim

3. Learn how to play the violin, guitar and master piano skills

4. Help the less fortunate by joining medical missions. Be a philanthropist.

5. Travel to discovered and undiscovered places.

6. Be an OR nurse.

7. Witness the Aurora Borealis with my VIP in life

8. Learn how to sew

9. Scale Mt. Apo

10. Learn baking

11. Learn a foreign language ( Spanish, French or Italian)

12. Have my own closet like Kimora's

13. Shopping spree in a bookstore

14. Read a book. So many books so little time.

15. Name the stars and its constellation

16.Go to the Library of Congress

17. Learn target shooting and archery ( archery is my brother's sport back when he was young)

18. Learn to tattoo. Even just one small design is more than enough for me.

19. Sing a song without getting out of tune.

20. Enjoy and experience motherhood. Three is too many, one is too few, two is enough but I could settle for only one. I will be more than happy then.

21. Join an immersion program with an indigenous group for at least a week .

22. Meet my first crush back when I was still in first grade.

23. Make my Mama proud and happy.

24. Road trip from Appari to Sulu

25. A happy family reunion with my sisters, brother and their families and with my mother and step-father as well, with all problems and grudges settled.

26. Meet the guy who'll sing to me that certain song. When he does, i will ask him to marry me. hahaha!

27. Settle down with my kid/s and my VIP...uuhmmm and a dog.

28. Learn or try drifting cars.

29. Learn photography from the pro, my Brod.

30. To have my own shoe line that carries my size of course.

31. Swim with the dolphins.

HOW DO I MISS THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

2009-09-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

My Caffeine Rehab Photo. :)

* Wishing how nice it is to sit under the stars and name them and its constellations.

* Sitting by the phone and hoping that he'd call and sing me a song again.

* Ding...Ding...Ding! Buzzing until you get a reply.

* Wondering when he's gonna wake you up and play Bingo chess like he used to.

* Missing how the kitchen smells when he's around.

* Used to hate it when he screams your name every time he needs something and now, you miss bringing him a glass of water or switching the light off for him.

* So pissed every time he pinches you with his toes like crabs do, and now you keep looking for such pain.

* "charm...charms....sweetheart" wake up calls which you used to hate and now you long for it.

* Staring at an empty space on the what if's, what could've been and what's it gonna be. :)

* Wishing he'd say "i miss you" so you could say "ditto". :)

* Sharing crispy laughter for nonsensical reasons because it's him you are spending time with. :)

* Wondering whatever happened to my free falling. Blag! :)

* When you don't want to give up caffeine because caffeine makes you a happy camper. :)

* Missing that "kilig" feeling every time you see that certain flag. :)

* Logging on the internet and checking if he's online or if he had left you an offline message. :)

Missing someone feels good when you know that he misses you back. It's sad when you know that the feeling isn't mutual.

****************************************

PRE + BEFORE = YESTERDAY

2009-09-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dear You!

I miss those times before the Kawayan Firewall with lots of Corn Chips. I guess, this is how it really feels when you're forced to put yourself into rehab... EMPTY!

Me :(

Christmas Without You by Zee Avi

******************************

THE FILLER

2009-09-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

Photo by: Nicole Mae Francisco-Nalupa

The loss of a relationship can be hurting so immensely. But before jumping from one relationship to another; before you'll give your full trust, respect and love again; before meeting the so-called "the one", here comes the filler.

He's the one who'd make you laugh even when you don't feel like laughing. Even at his corniest jokes and not so funny ones, he has this ways that will make you laugh your heart out.

He's your Tylenol. He's the reason that you find laughter again. He makes all things better.

He's the one who does tricks to amaze and amuse you even when you're the type who is skeptical on magic or tricks.

At your lowest point in life, he inspires you to do better and be better. Like anybody else, you can rise from where you fell and there's nothing to be ashamed of it.

He's the one who respects you to the maximum like nobody else does.

He's the one who never cares about your past and neither would you care about his.

He's the one who gives spark when there's no spark at all. He makes you feel he's the guy that the signs has been telling you.

He's the one that brings romance that helps your life to get back in track.

He's the one who gives you extra attention when you needed one.

He's the one you love but not "in" love with. You want to be "in" love with him and wishes that he's the one but looking at the bigger picture, he's not the one after all.

He's the one who fills up what's empty and what's been missing.

He's the one but not really.

SURREAL YET SO REAL

2009-09-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

For me, Surreal...

... is when my friend and I happened to have the same dream at the same time.

... is when I lost my ballet shoes and looked all over yet I found it in some odd place.

... is when my car engine was overheating and I was in a hurry then, I opened the car radiator and boiling water squirted to my face down to my neck. I rushed to my bedroom and applied petroleum jelly. After an hour, there were no blisters nor red marks.

... is when a firecracker, "triangle", blew in my hand and nothing happened. From then on, I don't lit a firecracker.

... is when you feel butterflies in your stomach and in no time, you get a buzz from a friend.

... is when you get along with someone you just met without knowing why.

... is when you miss someone you just met with no reason at all.

Things happen with valid reasons. If you doubt why something happens to you, you will never enjoy life's surprises and life's mysteries. Life may be complex yet wonderful.

******************************

AYJIDIT!

2009-09-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

From getting my student driver's permit to the renewal of my license, my Papang has always been there for me. Since 2005, when my driver's license expired and on that same year my Papang died, I never had it renewed. I didn't have the guts to do it myself. I can never do it alone. I can never do it without him. That was what I thought.

So basically, I have been driving for 4 long years without a license. I know that it's illegal but I'm correcting it this time. I'll be going on an adventure with my loyal, trustworthy and dependable friend which my Papang gave me when I turned 18, "Lefty" ( that's her new nickname, I used to call her "Black Mamba"). I think it's about time to renew my license without my Pop's help. To where I'll be going, it isn't the same in my town where I could just wink at the Police Officer or just wave at them as if I am "somebody's" daughter. It's about time to let go of my dependence to my father and do things without him ...do things on my own.

I didn't have an eye test. I guess they don't really use this Snellen' s chart at all. It only served as a decoration.

This was where the thumb marking happened. Thumb and the rest of my fingers marking. Can you see me on that screen? My mugshot! Hahahahaha.

They never checked my blood pressure. They asked me what's my usual blood pressure instead. I knew the routine of lazy employees. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Third world women's urinal. I had to go and squeeze it for a urine sample.

Trickle. Trickle. Trickle to the last drop.

This is Yvonne. We went to the same high school. She is now one of the big lady bosses in LTO. Thanks to her, I didn't go through falling in line with the rest of the applicants. I felt bad though for people who doesn't know anybody inside. They had to wait and wait and wait and wait. Now, I'm really guilty. :(

My old expired driver's license and other forms that I needed to fill-up.

I could have not taken the exam but I opted to do so. Though I didn't go through the very long line of applicants, I still want to do the right thing. At least, I did.

I paid all the fees. P1K plus for my new license.

Kodakan time. People were watching me and telling me to smile and some said not to. ANUVAH! I was confused. I ended up pouting, as if i was forced to do so. My mugshot indeed looked like my mugshot.

It says what it says.

weeee...finally.

I did it. Woohoo!

*

I'LL DO WHAT I GOTTA DO!

2009-09-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

I took this photo a couple of years ago. This was the view in Abatan Bridge, Maribojoc, Bohol.

It's a new day. Another day of errands, things to do, excitement, challenges and many reasons to smile.

Let's start with .... :)

- I'm going to rob a bank today! ..... Nah! Just kidding. I need to open a new account.

- I'll drop my car, "Lefty" to her doctor today. She needs a tune up because she's going with me to another island for my new adventure.

- I'm going to see Betchie-by-golly-wow today. She's my hair specialist. My locks is so long and I need a new do so bad. What do you think? Should I get a fringe?

- Shopping! That's the magic word. Hehehe. I'll be shopping for my Aunt and pretty cousins, Eloise and Lelay. They want me to buy some heavenly goodness at the Bee Farm. I'd like to grab something to eat there too but I don't like eating alone.

- I'll be taking a 30 minute to an hour walk with friends, Hannah and Caroline today. ...and that means 30 minutes or more of girl talk. We talk pretty much anything from relationships, fashion, what's in and what's out, food, men, our dreams, things we'd like to accomplish and celebrity chikas. By the way, we don't talk anything dirty. You know what I mean ....like politics. hehehehe.

- I'll have the rest of the day reading, day dreaming and smiling with my happy thought in mind.

I got no time for lovin' today 'cause lovin' doesn't have time for me. :`(

... just kidding. Har. Har. Har. Har.

*****************************************

31 TRUTHS ABOUT TATUM

2009-09-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

1. I love strawberry, very rocky road, pistachio and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

2. I'm a cry baby. I even cry at commercials.

3. I enjoy the experience of a cup of coffee. Coffee addict at that!

4. Love tattoos to the nth power.

5. I love Christmas. Decorating as early as November and getting it off on the feast of the three Kings or the Chinese New Year makes it the longest season for me.

6. I love my pit bull, Kobe.

7. My dream car is a black 1963 Mercury Comet S-22 Convertible with red leather interiors.

8. I want to learn how to ride a bike. My Papa wouldn't let me when I was young.

9. I can't live without my iPod. It's the same as I can't live without my cellphone and laptop (with internet connection of course).

10. I keep my true emotions private.

11. I'm narcoleptic. I once fell asleep standing with nothing to lean on and almost fell flat on the floor. Then I woke up to the chagrin of my classmates laughing like hyenas.

12. I'm coulrophobic. Clowns give me the creeps. Behind that happy face facade is a mysterious, evil and creepy creature.

13. I'm a movie freak. I can go from one cinema to another in a day... I once brought cooked rice for my snack inside the movie house.

14. I hate ants. Killing spree with ants is so therapeutic for me.

15. I eat balut even if it's freezer cold.

16. I don't like ice in my water.

17. I like my glass of water half full.

18. I can be loud! I burp like a truck driver. I snore like a drunk and I fart louder and deadlier than Shrek.

19. I was an OC when i was young.

20. I want to try riding on top of a jeepney ("taplod").

21. I love my sisters (Ate Aimee & Ditse) and fave brother ( Kuya Noel) a lot as much as I miss them a lot. My Kuya always sings me a song on the phone. Ditse and I could chat all night ,and my Ate influences me on the love of bags, shoes and clothes.

22. I'm the baby in the family

23. I used to play Counter-strike, a computer war game, and joined several tournaments as just the only girl in the team and among all players. We won 2nd always. The 2nd best! Never the champ!

24. I had several encounters with thieves. I once ran after them, forgetting that I'm a girl.

25. I always thought that I can get good-piano-playing syndrome if I go with my brother wherever he goes when I was young.

26. I used to have self-examination of conscience before going to sleep when I was young.

27. I love vampire movies. I even dream to be one and meet one. When vampires fall in love, they never fall out of love.

28. I have a twin sister. It's just that she's 6 years older than me. She knows a lot about me, even before I tell her and before things happen. She's a witch, y'know!

29. I'm a recovering alcoholic. :)

30. I want to learn how to swim.

31. My Papa and I share the same birth date. 2.10!

CERTAIN THINGS

2009-09-10T05:16:00.000-07:00

There are days that you want certain things to happen but instead of sunshine, there comes rain

...that you wanted pancake for breakfast but you only got cereal

...that you craved for pistachio ice cream in the evening but all stores are closed

...that you wanted a white Chuck Taylor but only the red one fits you

...that you wanted to watch Ice Age in 3D but when you get to the movie house, they don't have the 3D feature

...that you wanted to watch Serendipity with somebody but no one's available to watch with you

...that you wanted the whole day in Disneyland and be able to witness the amazing fireworks yet you only get a few hours

...that you wanted a strawberry smoothie but they ran out of fresh strawberries

...that you wished for a good parking space but you get none

...that when you asked for Mango iced tea and you get soda instead

...that you expected for the ultimate orgasm but you only get foreplay.

**********************************************

I TRIED

2009-09-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dear You!

Bye. :`(
Me

*************************************

I CAN SEE ME. CAN YOU?

2009-09-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

I took this picture of our old santol tree that my Papang and Dicci planted. Dicci was 10 yrs old at that time.

What do you see in your future? What do you want to see in your future? What would you like to see in your future?

I wish I can see my tomorrow as vividly as a colored picture. I want to see me happy and contented in life. I'll be living in a comfortable home with white picket fences, a dog and hopefully my pit Kobe will still be alive by then. I wish I can see kids in my home too and a loving and faithful husband. I'd like to imagine my kids and husband to shower me with countless hugs and kisses everyday. I'd love to have cuddle time with my family. I want countless movie marathons with my sisters, Ate Aimee and Dicci and Ate Mayet. I can also see Nicole and Yna joining us watching tearjerker and cheesy movies. Hehehe.

I'd like to see myself as a career woman too. I want to be creative in my idle time. I want to be a significant member of the community. I am inspired by what my niece, Yna is doing for the world. I'll be there to support her. I'll write more on her charity in my future posts.

Despite of life's struggles, sacrifices and conflicts, I'd like to stay as carefree and happy as I am now. I'd like to be independent. I'd like to travel as well to famous and undiscovered places. I'd still like to spend more time with my mom, my step dad and the rest of the gang.

But since nobody knows what is in store for us in the future, all of these will remain my wishful thinking.

*******************************

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM

2009-09-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

That's our Papang. This was when he arrived from the US of A to visit my Mamang and Ate. He set his new camera on timer. That's why he looked so surprised. Photo scanned by Extrachunky.

"Chaaarm.....Chaaarms.....Sweetheart!" goes my wake-up call. After a 10 month long job at sea, my Papang used to wake me up early in the morning to have breakfast with him. His favorite was kinilaw and so is mine. It may be odd for others that that's what for breakfast. He said breakfast is the best to have that food because morning is when you get the freshest fish.

Often my Papa and I went for a walk very very early in the morning at the airport. Walking to and fro in the runway and we did trivia games. Geography was our favorite. He asked the country and I gave him its capital or vice versa. But no relationship is perfect. We laughed. We cried. We fought. We don't see each other for days. I ran away. After our disagreements, we hugged, kissed and made up. At some point, I hated him for hurting me... and those were times I didn't like him calling me "Charms". During those last months of his life, he got much sweeter than ever and we got so much closer again ...way too closer this time. On that very day before he went away while he was in the hospital, I begged so hard to God not to take him away from me. Not just yet. I wasn't ready. I can't imagine life without him. But I can't stop God's plan. I can not question His decision. Papang went to his eternal place on April 16th 4 years ago. It took time for me to realize and sink to my mind and heart that he is gone. He is forever gone.

I remember now when those times I loathed him for calling me "Charms". Oh! How much I cringed when he calls me that pet name lovingly. I just hated it. But now, I miss it. I miss it so much. I miss his wake up call. I just simply miss him.

The song sang by the Everly Brothers, All I Have To Do Is Dream used to be the song he loved to dance with me. I wish it can still happen. Not maybe physically but I'll dance with him in my dreams.

"'pang, I miss you. I'll dance with you again in my dreams. I love you."

Everly Brothers - All I have to do is Dream 1972

(Released 1958)

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
when I want you in my arms
when I want you and all your charms
whenever I want you
All I have to do is dream

Dream dream dream
when I feel blue in the night
and I need you to hold me tight
whenever I want you all
I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
taste your lips of wine
any time night or day
only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
whenever I want you
all I have to do is dream
dream dream dream dream
dream dream dream dream

**************************************

MOON RIVER AND ME

2009-09-07T00:57:00.000-07:00

I am a hopeless romantic. I am not afraid to admit it. I guess all ladies are. I have never met a guy that's one except for my brother. Have you?

I remember when my Ate Aimee and Dicci were still in the Philippines, we'd watch movies like Sleepless in Seattle, An Affair to Remember, Breakfast at Tiffany's, My Fair Lady and While You Were Sleeping to name a few. It was always a marathon. One movie per night is not enough. I miss those times. I miss them a lot. I wish they're here to watch Serendipity with me. :(

I'm gonna call them soon. I think watching the movie can still happen. They can watch the movie in their respective homes. I'll watch it in my room and we'll talk over the phone while watching. Am I making sense? :)

I miss my family so much. I am missing my Dicci. She and I love this song a whole lot. :(

Just sharing this song for all hopeless romantic like me.

"Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going
I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's... such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me."

I'M ON THE TOP OF THE TREE

2009-09-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Some men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality,
THEY'RE amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who's BRAVE enough to climb
all the way to
the top of the tree.

from Perfect Love

THE PERFECT GIFT IS THE PERFECT LOVE

2009-09-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone-
To have a deep soul relationship with another-
Be loved thoroughly, and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone-
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me-
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the best human relationship
That I have planned for you.

I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me-
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing-
One that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best-
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me-
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things
Others have gotten or that I've given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.

-author and original title unknown

To my cousin Eloise , thank you for sharing me this poem.

"I used to plan things and have things my own way. Like my motto back then when I was a spoiled brat, " what Charmaine wants, Charmaine gets". As difficult and humbling to admit it, YES! I was! But it's different now. I've come to realize that there's a Master Planner who knows what's best for me. I am offering everything to Him and take each day as it comes."

GOODBYE MY TOMORROW

2009-09-03T17:57:00.000-07:00

Love is very complicated, so I thought, until I learned that I made it complex. It just hurts deeply when one learns that love is not his priority. ...that you'll never be a part of his future. ...that you're not part of that plan. It sucks when you felt like you're driving alone so fast in a one way highway. It just isn't fair. Love isn't fair. Life isn't fair.

I asked myself lately if I am feeling it. If it feels like it. Yes, I am thrilled just thinking about him. I long for the time he is there. It's been 67 hours since I heard from him. It seems like a lifetime. It was an agreement not to communicate for at least 3 days. I hate it. I didn't like being in limbo. It sounds crazy but saying his name under my breath makes me smile. Listening to his voice and rewinding it all over again in my head sounds like music to me. I can just imagine him lulling me to sleep beside him. He is indeed my happy thought!

But, guess what? The first day was bad. The second day was worst but the third day, I came to realize that this is not the right time for a new love. He's not ready. I thought I was. I think we both are terrified of a new commitment. I want to take that plunge with someone who is proud to be in a relationship. ...someone who'd like to grow old with me. I don't want to enjoy the rest of my life alone. I want to savor every last drop of life with that someone who love to live life with me. I want it to be him. I want to laugh and cry with him. But, I guess that wouldn't be the case anymore.

I wonder if he misses me too. I wonder if his world is tilting like mine. I am starting to lose that grip. Am I really falling? Is he?

This is really odd when it feels like I am really falling to someone that quick. I grew up with boys. I don't easily get swayed with sweet talks but it's different with him. I listen to what he says and I believe him. I'm one with the boys. I never get tongue tied with their presence but with him was different. I became so quiet and I was able to hear my thoughts so clearly for the very first time.

If we really belong together and if all the signs are right, it will happen. I know for sure that it's not going to be NOW. ... and I hope that when it happens, there will be no complications. For the very first time in my life, I am willing to wait what God has in store for me. I'll just keep on praying for the best for everyone. I am not going to pray for me, myself and I anymore. When you love, you become unselfish.

It wouldn't hurt that much if I shed a tear or two just thinking about losing it. But I have to stop it before it begun.

Good bye for now Zorro! Until we meet again in my tomorrow!

********************************

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

2009-09-01T05:05:00.000-07:00

Photo by Eloise

Do you believe in magic? Do you believe in spark at first sight? Do you believe in signs? Do you believe in strange coincidences? I did and I still do. I can't explain the feeling but it did really happen to me. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. It makes me smile.

Free Fallin'

Is falling in love that easy? .... that quick? Is making the right decision that hard? Is praying and hoping what you want fair? Is it true that sometimes falling in love comes in a flash? Will it go as quick as it came? I hope not. I want to linger on to that feeling of free falling. .... of being in love. But then again, I can't help doubting myself if it is the right decision. What if he won't catch me because he can't? I wish I can stay in cloud 9 at this very moment but I've got no choice and be under that cloud of doubt for the meantime.

I can't sleep these past few weeks. This so called reality is indeed so much better than my dreams. He is my caffeine. He is my Tylenol. He is my sunshine after the rain. He is the light in my tunnel. He made all the pain go away. He was the reason that I found laughter again. He made me feel good. He made it all better.

In the past years, I remember praying for all things to be in my favor. I did so fervently for years. I didn't get what I wanted and they ended up on deaf ears. It disappointed me. I lost hope. I stopped believing in prayers until I realized that there were reasons why they weren't heard. I hope , as what Lil Divine says, my unanswered prayers will be my greatest gift from God. If I can't have him then I am very happy and grateful to have and treasure the friendship. No matter how much I really wanted to be selfish this time again but I won't. I will pray for what is best for me, for him and for everybody. I just need to cling to hope a little bit tighter.

FYI, I am not expecting for someone who can sweep me off my feet. ...who can give me the moon and the stars instead watch the stars and the moon with me. I am not looking for someone who can shower me with Louis Vuittons and Guccis ...but someone who'd cry with me when I am hurt. ...who'd laugh with me when I'm happy . Someone who'd fight for me even if sometimes I think I am hardly worth it. ... someone who'll love me for being me. If I can't have the Mr. Right then I am fine with the OKAY one. :)

Now, I am opening my life with all the possibilities. I have cleaned all my senses. I will be rocking this world. I am getting ready to take another plunge again. So now, I am holding my breath and I'm excited for what is coming hereafter.

He told me once that love is the answer. I agree with him.Thank you Love for making my world go round and round. Because of you, I am living life and loving it all over again.

I AM ME ONCE MORE

2009-08-02T17:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life's experiences can be tragic. It burns you. It hurts you. It took me awhile to get over that part. I have mourned the loss. ... and I have accepted the truth that it is over. But after the pain is moving on.

Looking forward is a process. I took it slow and with confidence. I was so blessed with having family and friends beside and behind me in this journey. I never regret of having to experience the past. It made me stronger. It made me grateful of everything good and bad in my life. It made me realize that there is better for me in the future.

I am not a failure. I will never be a failure. I believe now that I am a gift. I am me and I love me. Getting out of the relationship is maybe the best gift I rewarded myself. Do you know why? ... because I am me once more.

People thought that I am weak... that I am incapable of being me. I proved them wrong. I got out of that situation and I am standing on my own two feet now for over a year.

I never considered almost 11 years of my life wasted because I learned from it. I gave my all plus a 100% more. No matter how much I tried to save it but sometimes love isn't enough. I still respect the man that he was but he is not just for me.

I have moved on and looking forward for another adventure.

Let's rock 'n roll!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PUP ANGELS

2009-07-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

July 28,2009. Jerilee Gayle Yap or "Gay" as how everyone calls her, and I have a co-owned dog, a red miniature pincher or mini pincher named Maia. Maia lives with Gay. One morning, Gay texted me that Maia had delivered a puppy. We never knew that Maia is pregnant but Gay had a hunch though. Its a boy! a black mini pincher puppy. Why black? the great grandmother is a black mini pincher named "elektra", who also lives with Gay; the diva; and the queen of all the dogs in the house. Anyways, we were so happy that finally Maia now have her own puppies, but wished she had more. After almost a day of waiting, 7 pm., gayle texted me to come over her place, Maia is about to deliver another puppy and asked me to come over and bring some "carton" or cardboard. So i hurried, looked for "carton" where Maia and the puppies could lay. But i was too late, Maia had delivered 2 more puppies and both were already dead. But the consolation is, at least we had 1.

this is maia and her black pup

Gay feeding the puppy since maia doesn't know yet how to breastfeed .

2 days after the delivery, Gay texted me that we need to go see a veterinarean to have the puppy checked. The puppy had reddish colored stools. But i read the message late, they have already gone to the veterinarean. The puppy is hypothermic, he had to be wrapped in a warm towel for a minute every 15 minutes. She was well taken cared then.

August 03, 2009, 7:06 AM, the puppy was pronounced dead. To you, whom we plan to call Lucas, and to the 2 puppies who didn't make it, you are now angel puppies who somehow brought excitement to our lives. And to his father, Lance , who had been lost for several weeks now, we hope and pray that you are well taken cared of.

SURPRISES x 20

2009-07-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I had the most, if not the most but one of the most embarrassing and depressing moments of my life last Saturday (july 25, 2009). I won't go into details about that because that's not the story. Anyways, my sister ,ditse Lilian Nalupa-Divinagracia or mahdicci as I would love to call her, is always there to cheer me up. Well, "watamahgunnahdowidawtmahdicci" ! She knows just how to ease me up, make me laugh and simply divert my thoughts and feelings from whats bothering me. Paola, Tessa, and Iki (son and daughters of tito Ringkoy Dumadag and tita Margie Corales- Dumadag) who came home here in Bohol from Frederick , Maryland for a vacation, came by for a visit and handed me a package. A package from mahdicci . Yay! Ayang,the youngest daughter of the Dumadags, was supposedly there to hand me the package together with the other siblings , but she fell asleep on the laps of her papa Ringkoy in the car. Time-check, this is now Sunday (July 26) approximately 8pm. Anyways, to continue, the kids handed me the gifts one by one as instructed by mahdicci. And as instructed , they had to see me open each gift.

Yeah, i know its not for me. its for a friend of mahdicci. The kids had to hear me count the money.

Each shoe, not pair of shoes but each shoe was wrapped separately so it would look like she sent me lots of gifts. It was a lot though but she wants it to look like its more than i think it was.

i got 3 pairs of shoes and i adore them a lot. i just have to wear my sunglasses with this one.

At last, i get to have these lip tintmarkers. I've been wanting and longing for these for 3 years. My sister ,the eldest sister Ma. Aimee Nalupa-Bagnol, or should i say, mahAte introduced me to this product. It doesn't spill or smudge anything in your bag; you can use it as a lipstick or a cheek tint; the tint leaves on longer than you think and aaaay just luuuuuuuv it. I've had several people asked to find me this product for 3 years, since the day it ran out of ink... Finally!

I used to drink Crystal Light Lemonade which my mother Flaviana Lawson sent me, but i haven't tried their Iced Tea yet.

Wheat bread with peanut butter and mayo, paired with Crystal Light Iced tea . I don't like it, mahdicci because, i luuuuv it.

After opening each gift, mahdicci and i chatted and then slept with my 3 new pairs of shoes, my liptintmarkers and the Iced tea beside me.

My Home

2009-07-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

When you fall, you have to get up. Start from scratch. Start from the very beginning. So here I am.

Welcome to my new home. My very own.