31 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

me @ 1 year and a half


1. Sky dive

2. Learn how to ride a bike, a motorcycle and learn how to swim

3. Learn how to play the violin, guitar and master piano skills

4. Help the less fortunate by joining medical missions. Be a philanthropist.

5. Travel to discovered and undiscovered places.

6. Be an OR nurse.

7. Witness the Aurora Borealis with my VIP in life

8. Learn how to sew

9. Scale Mt. Apo

10. Learn baking

11. Learn a foreign language ( Spanish, French or Italian)

12. Have my own closet like Kimora's

13. Shopping spree in a bookstore

14. Read a book. So many books so little time.

15. Name the stars and its constellation

16.Go to the Library of Congress

17. Learn target shooting and archery ( archery is my brother's sport back when he was young)

18. Learn to tattoo. Even just one small design is more than enough for me.

19. Sing a song without getting out of tune.

20. Enjoy and experience motherhood. Three is too many, one is too few, two is enough but I could settle for only one. I will be more than happy then.

21. Join an immersion program with an indigenous group for at least a week .

22. Meet my first crush back when I was still in first grade.

23. Make my Mama proud and happy.

24. Road trip from Appari to Sulu

25. A happy family reunion with my sisters, brother and their families and with my mother and step-father as well, with all problems and grudges settled.

26. Meet the guy who'll sing to me that certain song. When he does, i will ask him to marry me. hahaha!

27. Settle down with my kid/s and my VIP...uuhmmm and a dog.

28. Learn or try drifting cars.

29. Learn photography from the pro, my Brod.

30. To have my own shoe line that carries my size of course.

31. Swim with the dolphins.

HOW DO I MISS THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

My Caffeine Rehab Photo. :)


* Wishing how nice it is to sit under the stars and name them and its constellations.

* Sitting by the phone and hoping that he'd call and sing me a song again.

* Ding...Ding...Ding! Buzzing until you get a reply.

* Wondering when he's gonna wake you up and play Bingo chess like he used to.

* Missing how the kitchen smells when he's around.

* Used to hate it when he screams your name every time he needs something and now, you miss bringing him a glass of water or switching the light off for him.

* So pissed every time he pinches you with his toes like crabs do, and now you keep looking for such pain.

* "charm...charms....sweetheart" wake up calls which you used to hate and now you long for it.

* Staring at an empty space on the what if's, what could've been and what's it gonna be. :)

* Wishing he'd say "i miss you" so you could say "ditto". :)

* Sharing crispy laughter for nonsensical reasons because it's him you are spending time with. :)

* Wondering whatever happened to my free falling. Blag! :)

* When you don't want to give up caffeine because caffeine makes you a happy camper. :)

* Missing that "kilig" feeling every time you see that certain flag. :)

* Logging on the internet and checking if he's online or if he had left you an offline message. :)


Missing someone feels good when you know that he misses you back. It's sad when you know that the feeling isn't mutual.




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PRE + BEFORE = YESTERDAY

Dear You!


I miss those times before the Kawayan Firewall with lots of Corn Chips. I guess, this is how it really feels when you're forced to put yourself into rehab... EMPTY!


Me :(


Christmas Without You by Zee Avi




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THE FILLER

Photo by: Nicole Mae Francisco-Nalupa

The loss of a relationship can be hurting so immensely. But before jumping from one relationship to another; before you'll give your full trust, respect and love again; before meeting the so-called "the one", here comes the filler.

He's the one who'd make you laugh even when you don't feel like laughing. Even at his corniest jokes and not so funny ones, he has this ways that will make you laugh your heart out.

He's your Tylenol. He's the reason that you find laughter again. He makes all things better.

He's the one who does tricks to amaze and amuse you even when you're the type who is skeptical on magic or tricks.

At your lowest point in life, he inspires you to do better and be better. Like anybody else, you can rise from where you fell and there's nothing to be ashamed of it.

He's the one who respects you to the maximum like nobody else does.

He's the one who never cares about your past and neither would you care about his.

He's the one who gives spark when there's no spark at all. He makes you feel he's the guy that the signs has been telling you.

He's the one that brings romance that helps your life to get back in track.

He's the one who gives you extra attention when you needed one.

He's the one you love but not "in" love with. You want to be "in" love with him and wishes that he's the one but looking at the bigger picture, he's not the one after all.He's the one who fills up what's empty and what's been missing.
He's the one but not really.

SURREAL YET SO REAL

For me, Surreal...

... is when my friend and I happened to have the same dream at the same time.

... is when I lost my ballet shoes and looked all over yet I found it in some odd place.

... is when my car engine was overheating and I was in a hurry then, I opened the car radiator and boiling water squirted to my face down to my neck. I rushed to my bedroom and applied petroleum jelly. After an hour, there were no blisters nor red marks.

... is when a firecracker, "triangle", blew in my hand and nothing happened. From then on, I don't lit a firecracker.

... is when you feel butterflies in your stomach and in no time, you get a buzz from a friend.

... is when you get along with someone you just met without knowing why.

... is when you miss someone you just met with no reason at all.



Things happen with valid reasons. If you doubt why something happens to you, you will never enjoy life's surprises and life's mysteries. Life may be complex yet wonderful.



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AYJIDIT!

From getting my student driver's permit to the renewal of my license, my Papang has always been there for me. Since 2005, when my driver's license expired and on that same year my Papang died, I never had it renewed. I didn't have the guts to do it myself. I can never do it alone. I can never do it without him. That was what I thought.

So basically, I have been driving for 4 long years without a license. I know that it's illegal but I'm correcting it this time. I'll be going on an adventure with my loyal, trustworthy and dependable friend which my Papang gave me when I turned 18, "Lefty" ( that's her new nickname, I used to call her "Black Mamba"). I think it's about time to renew my license without my Pop's help. To where I'll be going, it isn't the same in my town where I could just wink at the Police Officer or just wave at them as if I am "somebody's" daughter. It's about time to let go of my dependence to my father and do things without him ...do things on my own.

I didn't have an eye test. I guess they don't really use this Snellen' s chart at all. It only served as a decoration.


This was where the thumb marking happened. Thumb and the rest of my fingers marking. Can you see me on that screen? My mugshot! Hahahahaha.


They never checked my blood pressure. They asked me what's my usual blood pressure instead. I knew the routine of lazy employees. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.


Third world women's urinal. I had to go and squeeze it for a urine sample.


Trickle. Trickle. Trickle to the last drop.


This is Yvonne. We went to the same high school. She is now one of the big lady bosses in LTO. Thanks to her, I didn't go through falling in line with the rest of the applicants. I felt bad though for people who doesn't know anybody inside. They had to wait and wait and wait and wait. Now, I'm really guilty. :(


My old expired driver's license and other forms that I needed to fill-up.


I could have not taken the exam but I opted to do so. Though I didn't go through the very long line of applicants, I still want to do the right thing. At least, I did.


I paid all the fees. P1K plus for my new license.


Kodakan time. People were watching me and telling me to smile and some said not to. ANUVAH! I was confused. I ended up pouting, as if i was forced to do so. My mugshot indeed looked like my mugshot.


It says what it says.


weeee...finally.



I did it. Woohoo!



*

I'LL DO WHAT I GOTTA DO!

I took this photo a couple of years ago. This was the view in Abatan Bridge, Maribojoc, Bohol.

It's a new day. Another day of errands, things to do, excitement, challenges and many reasons to smile.



Let's start with .... :)

- I'm going to rob a bank today! ..... Nah! Just kidding. I need to open a new account.

- I'll drop my car, "Lefty" to her doctor today. She needs a tune up because she's going with me to another island for my new adventure.

- I'm going to see Betchie-by-golly-wow today. She's my hair specialist. My locks is so long and I need a new do so bad. What do you think? Should I get a fringe?

- Shopping! That's the magic word. Hehehe. I'll be shopping for my Aunt and pretty cousins, Eloise and Lelay. They want me to buy some heavenly goodness at the Bee Farm. I'd like to grab something to eat there too but I don't like eating alone.

- I'll be taking a 30 minute to an hour walk with friends, Hannah and Caroline today. ...and that means 30 minutes or more of girl talk. We talk pretty much anything from relationships, fashion, what's in and what's out, food, men, our dreams, things we'd like to accomplish and celebrity chikas. By the way, we don't talk anything dirty. You know what I mean ....like politics. hehehehe.

- I'll have the rest of the day reading, day dreaming and smiling with my happy thought in mind.


I got no time for lovin' today 'cause lovin' doesn't have time for me. :`(


... just kidding. Har. Har. Har. Har.




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31 TRUTHS ABOUT TATUM

1. I love strawberry, very rocky road, pistachio and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

2. I'm a cry baby. I even cry at commercials.

3. I enjoy the experience of a cup of coffee. Coffee addict at that!

4. Love tattoos to the nth power.

5. I love Christmas. Decorating as early as November and getting it off on the feast of the three Kings or the Chinese New Year makes it the longest season for me.

6. I love my pit bull, Kobe.

7. My dream car is a black 1963 Mercury Comet S-22 Convertible with red leather interiors.

8. I want to learn how to ride a bike. My Papa wouldn't let me when I was young.

9. I can't live without my iPod. It's the same as I can't live without my cellphone and laptop (with internet connection of course).

10. I keep my true emotions private.

11. I'm narcoleptic. I once fell asleep standing with nothing to lean on and almost fell flat on the floor. Then I woke up to the chagrin of my classmates laughing like hyenas.

12. I'm coulrophobic. Clowns give me the creeps. Behind that happy face facade is a mysterious, evil and creepy creature.

13. I'm a movie freak. I can go from one cinema to another in a day... I once brought cooked rice for my snack inside the movie house.

14. I hate ants. Killing spree with ants is so therapeutic for me.

15. I eat balut even if it's freezer cold.

16. I don't like ice in my water.

17. I like my glass of water half full.

18. I can be loud! I burp like a truck driver. I snore like a drunk and I fart louder and deadlier than Shrek.

19. I was an OC when i was young.

20. I want to try riding on top of a jeepney ("taplod").

21. I love my sisters (Ate Aimee & Ditse) and fave brother ( Kuya Noel) a lot as much as I miss them a lot. My Kuya always sings me a song on the phone. Ditse and I could chat all night ,and my Ate influences me on the love of bags, shoes and clothes.

22. I'm the baby in the family

23. I used to play Counter-strike, a computer war game, and joined several tournaments as just the only girl in the team and among all players. We won 2nd always. The 2nd best! Never the champ!

24. I had several encounters with thieves. I once ran after them, forgetting that I'm a girl.

25. I always thought that I can get good-piano-playing syndrome if I go with my brother wherever he goes when I was young.

26. I used to have self-examination of conscience before going to sleep when I was young.

27. I love vampire movies. I even dream to be one and meet one. When vampires fall in love, they never fall out of love.

28. I have a twin sister. It's just that she's 6 years older than me. She knows a lot about me, even before I tell her and before things happen. She's a witch, y'know!

29. I'm a recovering alcoholic. :)

30. I want to learn how to swim.

31. My Papa and I share the same birth date. 2.10!

I TRIED

Dear You!




Bye. :`(
Me



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I CAN SEE ME. CAN YOU?

I took this picture of our old santol tree that my Papang and Dicci planted. Dicci was 10 yrs old at that time.

What do you see in your future? What do you want to see in your future? What would you like to see in your future?

I wish I can see my tomorrow as vividly as a colored picture. I want to see me happy and contented in life. I'll be living in a comfortable home with white picket fences, a dog and hopefully my pit Kobe will still be alive by then. I wish I can see kids in my home too and a loving and faithful husband. I'd like to imagine my kids and husband to shower me with countless hugs and kisses everyday. I'd love to have cuddle time with my family. I want countless movie marathons with my sisters, Ate Aimee and Dicci and Ate Mayet. I can also see Nicole and Yna joining us watching tearjerker and cheesy movies. Hehehe.

I'd like to see myself as a career woman too. I want to be creative in my idle time. I want to be a significant member of the community. I am inspired by what my niece, Yna is doing for the world. I'll be there to support her. I'll write more on her charity in my future posts.

Despite of life's struggles, sacrifices and conflicts, I'd like to stay as carefree and happy as I am now. I'd like to be independent. I'd like to travel as well to famous and undiscovered places. I'd still like to spend more time with my mom, my step dad and the rest of the gang.

But since nobody knows what is in store for us in the future, all of these will remain my wishful thinking.


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ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM

That's our Papang. This was when he arrived from the US of A to visit my Mamang and Ate. He set his new camera on timer. That's why he looked so surprised. Photo scanned by Extrachunky.

"Chaaarm.....Chaaarms.....Sweetheart!" goes my wake-up call. After a 10 month long job at sea, my Papang used to wake me up early in the morning to have breakfast with him. His favorite was kinilaw and so is mine. It may be odd for others that that's what for breakfast. He said breakfast is the best to have that food because morning is when you get the freshest fish.

Often my Papa and I went for a walk very very early in the morning at the airport. Walking to and fro in the runway and we did trivia games. Geography was our favorite. He asked the country and I gave him its capital or vice versa. But no relationship is perfect. We laughed. We cried. We fought. We don't see each other for days. I ran away. After our disagreements, we hugged, kissed and made up. At some point, I hated him for hurting me... and those were times I didn't like him calling me "Charms". During those last months of his life, he got much sweeter than ever and we got so much closer again ...way too closer this time. On that very day before he went away while he was in the hospital, I begged so hard to God not to take him away from me. Not just yet. I wasn't ready. I can't imagine life without him. But I can't stop God's plan. I can not question His decision. Papang went to his eternal place on April 16th 4 years ago. It took time for me to realize and sink to my mind and heart that he is gone. He is forever gone.

I remember now when those times I loathed him for calling me "Charms". Oh! How much I cringed when he calls me that pet name lovingly. I just hated it. But now, I miss it. I miss it so much. I miss his wake up call. I just simply miss him.

The song sang by the Everly Brothers, All I Have To Do Is Dream used to be the song he loved to dance with me. I wish it can still happen. Not maybe physically but I'll dance with him in my dreams.

"'pang, I miss you. I'll dance with you again in my dreams. I love you."


Everly Brothers - All I have to do is Dream 1972

(Released 1958)

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
when I want you in my arms
when I want you and all your charms
whenever I want you
All I have to do is dream

Dream dream dream
when I feel blue in the night
and I need you to hold me tight
whenever I want you all
I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
taste your lips of wine
any time night or day
only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
whenever I want you
all I have to do is dream
dream dream dream dream
dream dream dream dream





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MOON RIVER AND ME

I am a hopeless romantic. I am not afraid to admit it. I guess all ladies are. I have never met a guy that's one except for my brother. Have you?

I remember when my Ate Aimee and Dicci were still in the Philippines, we'd watch movies like Sleepless in Seattle, An Affair to Remember, Breakfast at Tiffany's, My Fair Lady and While You Were Sleeping to name a few. It was always a marathon. One movie per night is not enough. I miss those times. I miss them a lot. I wish they're here to watch Serendipity with me. :(

I'm gonna call them soon. I think watching the movie can still happen. They can watch the movie in their respective homes. I'll watch it in my room and we'll talk over the phone while watching. Am I making sense? :)

I miss my family so much. I am missing my Dicci. She and I love this song a whole lot. :(


Just sharing this song for all hopeless romantic like me.


"Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going
I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's... such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me."

THE PERFECT GIFT IS THE PERFECT LOVE

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone-
To have a deep soul relationship with another-
Be loved thoroughly, and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone-
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me-
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the best human relationship
That I have planned for you.

I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me-
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing-
One that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best-
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me-
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things
Others have gotten or that I've given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.

-author and original title unknown

To my cousin Eloise , thank you for sharing me this poem.

"I used to plan things and have things my own way. Like my motto back then when I was a spoiled brat, " what Charmaine wants, Charmaine gets". As difficult and humbling to admit it, YES! I was! But it's different now. I've come to realize that there's a Master Planner who knows what's best for me. I am offering everything to Him and take each day as it comes."

GOODBYE MY TOMORROW

Love is very complicated, so I thought, until I learned that I made it complex. It just hurts deeply when one learns that love is not his priority. ...that you'll never be a part of his future. ...that you're not part of that plan. It sucks when you felt like you're driving alone so fast in a one way highway. It just isn't fair. Love isn't fair. Life isn't fair.

I asked myself lately if I am feeling it. If it feels like it. Yes, I am thrilled just thinking about him. I long for the time he is there. It's been 67 hours since I heard from him. It seems like a lifetime. It was an agreement not to communicate for at least 3 days. I hate it. I didn't like being in limbo. It sounds crazy but saying his name under my breath makes me smile. Listening to his voice and rewinding it all over again in my head sounds like music to me. I can just imagine him lulling me to sleep beside him. He is indeed my happy thought!

But, guess what? The first day was bad. The second day was worst but the third day, I came to realize that this is not the right time for a new love. He's not ready. I thought I was. I think we both are terrified of a new commitment. I want to take that plunge with someone who is proud to be in a relationship. ...someone who'd like to grow old with me. I don't want to enjoy the rest of my life alone. I want to savor every last drop of life with that someone who love to live life with me. I want it to be him. I want to laugh and cry with him. But, I guess that wouldn't be the case anymore.

I wonder if he misses me too. I wonder if his world is tilting like mine. I am starting to lose that grip. Am I really falling? Is he?

This is really odd when it feels like I am really falling to someone that quick. I grew up with boys. I don't easily get swayed with sweet talks but it's different with him. I listen to what he says and I believe him. I'm one with the boys. I never get tongue tied with their presence but with him was different. I became so quiet and I was able to hear my thoughts so clearly for the very first time.

If we really belong together and if all the signs are right, it will happen. I know for sure that it's not going to be NOW. ... and I hope that when it happens, there will be no complications. For the very first time in my life, I am willing to wait what God has in store for me. I'll just keep on praying for the best for everyone. I am not going to pray for me, myself and I anymore. When you love, you become unselfish.

It wouldn't hurt that much if I shed a tear or two just thinking about losing it. But I have to stop it before it begun.

Good bye for now Zorro! Until we meet again in my tomorrow!







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CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

Photo by Eloise

Do you believe in magic? Do you believe in spark at first sight? Do you believe in signs? Do you believe in strange coincidences? I did and I still do. I can't explain the feeling but it did really happen to me. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. It makes me smile.


Free Fallin'

Is falling in love that easy? .... that quick? Is making the right decision that hard? Is praying and hoping what you want fair? Is it true that sometimes falling in love comes in a flash? Will it go as quick as it came? I hope not. I want to linger on to that feeling of free falling. .... of being in love. But then again, I can't help doubting myself if it is the right decision. What if he won't catch me because he can't? I wish I can stay in cloud 9 at this very moment but I've got no choice and be under that cloud of doubt for the meantime.

I can't sleep these past few weeks. This so called reality is indeed so much better than my dreams. He is my caffeine. He is my Tylenol. He is my sunshine after the rain. He is the light in my tunnel. He made all the pain go away. He was the reason that I found laughter again. He made me feel good. He made it all better.

In the past years, I remember praying for all things to be in my favor. I did so fervently for years. I didn't get what I wanted and they ended up on deaf ears. It disappointed me. I lost hope. I stopped believing in prayers until I realized that there were reasons why they weren't heard. I hope , as what Lil Divine says, my unanswered prayers will be my greatest gift from God. If I can't have him then I am very happy and grateful to have and treasure the friendship. No matter how much I really wanted to be selfish this time again but I won't. I will pray for what is best for me, for him and for everybody. I just need to cling to hope a little bit tighter.

FYI, I am not expecting for someone who can sweep me off my feet. ...who can give me the moon and the stars instead watch the stars and the moon with me. I am not looking for someone who can shower me with Louis Vuittons and Guccis ...but someone who'd cry with me when I am hurt. ...who'd laugh with me when I'm happy . Someone who'd fight for me even if sometimes I think I am hardly worth it. ... someone who'll love me for being me. If I can't have the Mr. Right then I am fine with the OKAY one. :)

Now, I am opening my life with all the possibilities. I have cleaned all my senses. I will be rocking this world. I am getting ready to take another plunge again. So now, I am holding my breath and I'm excited for what is coming hereafter.

He told me once that love is the answer. I agree with him.Thank you Love for making my world go round and round. Because of you, I am living life and loving it all over again.